Okay, so I’m behind on these non-memes. But they’re not memes, so that’s okay. And if they were, well, that would be okay too, now that I think of it.
Vint Falken started off #13 by asking for secrets and confessions from our Second and First Lives. I’ll see what I can come up with.
Second Life
A few weeks ago, my new female avatar might have been a secret, but no longer. However, what I expected to be just an avatar creation experiment has now become an avatar I regularly use, another expression of my personality. You can probably expect to see the new avatar more often as time goes on.
First Life (and some Second Life, too)
I’ve got a tendency to be shy, both in my first and my second lives. I fall a bit on the introverted side of the introversion-extroversion spectrum. I do well in small groups and one-on-one, but large ones can be a bit overwhelming for me, at least until I’ve gotten to know the people in the large group a bit. It’s difficult for me to invite people I don’t already know well to do things, and I avoid ever inviting myself to things. An example of this in SL would be the fact that I very seldom extend offers of friendship. It’s not that I don’t like you – I might like you a lot. It’s that I’m afraid of rejection, and have been since a young age. For months I forgot the SL software even let you maintain a ‘friends list.’
This is a part of some problems with anxiety that have dogged me for ages without me even really being conscious of them. I’ve become more conscious of them in the last year and have been directing energy toward improving things over the course of the last six months or so. And things are improving. But I still perceive that anxiety and shyness as my greatest weakness, and overcoming it, getting past years of mental conditioning, is slow going. The funny thing about that shyness is that I really enjoy interacting with people – I’m not a hermit, and I have some wonderful, close friendships. But most of those close RL friends don’t live anywhere near me. It took what felt like a long time and just the right conditions for those friendships to develop. I wish it were easier, because I’ve felt a bit isolated since moving to Denver, and working the kind of hours I do makes it that much harder to have any energy left for social events. I think people tend to be more self-protective once they cross out from school into the “real world,” too.
I know exactly what you mean… both lives. In RL I was finally driven out of a social anxiety funk, to a degree, by attempts to put a shopping center across from my house. I had to get involved with the local community, politics and zoning power brokers. And as you note, now that I know the players, I can bring myself to speak up in their meetings (for all the good it does!). Likewise, in SL: reluctance to offer SL-friendship, or even ask for a dance, for that matter. But SL is a good training ground for social anxiety issues
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Comment by Coyote — April 8, 2007 @ 1:17 pm
I think people tend to be more self-protective once they cross out from school into the “real world,” too. => I don’t think that has anything to do with school or no school anymore. I so long to get that non-self-protecting ‘naivety’ back, sometimes. :/
Comment by Vint — April 8, 2007 @ 2:54 pm
This is an impressive post. It’s also, not to be cliche having read the other quotes, one that I’m entirely in sync with. I don’t think it’s quite the same as a transgender AV, but Marvin is definitely a part of my RL personality that simply comes out in SL — part of me definitely feels like a paranoid android.
Years ago, I was so nervous around people I couldn’t even eat around them — all except my family and life-long friends. I also have a tendency to *appear* outgoing. I can be a little loud at times and draw attention to myself, when actually, any attention I get that I *didn’t* ask for terrifies me. So, my “outgoing” nature is just an attempt to maintain control of the attention. I will *never* offer a hug in RL as I’m afraid of the awkward period after a hug-rejection, but I love hugging (as my SL persona has shown). I’m working on this one, btw.
Last night was also a rare event for me. I danced solely with Rosa for months. Recently, Sumar and I have been regular dance partners. For me to actually ask 3 or 4 people to dance in one night was a real stretch, and one I’m glad I made. So, despite a little gender confusion, I’m glad your female avatar and I had the dance.
Consider this an open invitation to her in the future.
Comment by EricAtRandom — April 9, 2007 @ 7:58 am
OK, our next group therapy session will meet at the same time next week… ROFL!
Comment by Coyote — April 10, 2007 @ 6:35 am
Kieres said:
“…I have some wonderful, close friendships. But most of those close RL friends don’t live anywhere near me. It took what felt like a long time and just the right conditions for those friendships to develop…”
I understand this all too well. I have good friends where I live, but my dearest are miles away. This leaves me feeling lonely on rainy days when I just want to share my space with someone with whom I have some kind of kinship.
Perhaps this is part of the attraction of Second Life. When you can inhabit the same “room” the distances don’t seem so great, even if the person on the other side of the chat window is really on the other side of the world.
Comment by Alyia Coanda — April 10, 2007 @ 7:53 pm